I have a paralyzing fear of public speaking. Except it's not just limited to public speaking. It's also a fear of speaking in almost any social situation. This fear has controlled a large part of my life.
A week ago I was asked to give a talk in Sacrament meeting. It had been 8 years since my last talk and before that another 8 years. After telling the member of the bishopric that I fear public speaking more than death, he still held me to the call to speak. I started crying before we hung up.
I did not think I would be capable of making the sacrifice God was asking of me. I felt so broken by the trials of the past year that I just did not think I could stand before a congregation and deliver a worthwhile message. I received a Priesthood blessing from Luke that prepared me to make the decision of whether or not I would attempt to speak. I wasn't prepared to commit to saying yes to giving a talk, but I decided I wasn't going to say no yet either. I fasted on the 3rd day and had so much anxiety and fear I got a migraine and made myself sick. On the 4th day I went to the Temple and by the 5th I decided I would answer the call to speak.
I began to prepare my talk. I relied heavily on the Spirit to help me write my talk and to get me through the next couple days. Friday night my talk was complete and I spent Saturday practicing it. I asked Luke for another Priesthood blessing to make me able to stand and deliver my talk.
I knew what was written was good, but I was so afraid. I was So afraid. Since the time I had decided to give my talk I had been praying for God to "make me not afraid" and as I sat on the stand waiting for my time to speak I was still repeating that prayer. When my thinking about the fear I was experiencing changed. I began thinking, "Yes, I'm afraid. I'm very, very afraid. But isn't my fear my sacrifice to God? If I wasn't afraid, giving this talk wouldn't be a sacrifice. I'm going to accept my fear and I'm going to do what the Lord asked me to do anyway." I decided to do it for Him, because I want to be the kind of servant who will submit to His will even when it's hard. I want to trust in Him that much. Asking God to take away my fear and make giving my talk easy would be comparable to me asking God to make me rich so that paying tithing was easy. Where is the sacrifice in that? So while sitting on the stand I decided to offer my fear as a sacrifice to my Savior and Heavenly Father. I felt better after I decided to do that.
The talk went very well. I was nervous, and there where a couple of moments where I felt dizzy and was afraid I was going to faint, but I held on to the podium and I read through it. Luke said I did amazing. I received many compliments and some requests for copies of my talk. It felt good but I will not take credit for how well it went. I cant. I was a sobbing curled up ball of fear when I got the call to speak. I wasn't capable of doing that well without the Lord's help. Through this experience I gained a new understanding of the scripture,
"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." (Ether 12:27)
Man doesn't posses the ability to turn their weaknesses into strengths. He gives us weaknesses that we absolutely cannot overcome on our own so that we will humble ourselves and plead and petition Him for help. That is when He comes and takes over and fills us with His grace and His power, making us a fine tools in His hands. It is His grace and power that takes over and makes those weak things strong. After doing all that we can do and by calling on His name, He uses what we lack as an opportunity to interceded and accomplish something beyond the abilities of man. I suppose that is the very definition of Grace and how it is used in regard to the Atonement to save us. This is another example of how All Things Testify of Christ.
