I think that so much of the pain I experience when going through a trial is a result from my unwillingness to submit to my Fathers will. An unwillingness to let go of something or someone I have an attachment to, something or someone that I love more than him. It's a result of my inability to truly trust in the Lord completely and a reluctance to release my desire to control and say, “Thy will be done.” About a year ago I began to ponder what it is I want to accomplish with my life. What is my purpose? What do I want the result of my mortal experience to be? I decided that what I want is to be as close to the Savior as I can by the end of my life. I want the Master to take me in His hands and mold and shape me into what He wants me to be. As I said my prayers one night I let my Heavenly Father know of my desire and I asked him to take away anything that was holding me back from being what he wants me to be. I released control of my life and began to put my faith and trust in him. I almost wanted to take back the words as I said them, in fear of what would happen. But I didn’t. It was what I wanted and I knew that whatever came, it would be for the welfare of my soul.
Almost immediately in the days following Luke’s business came to a screeching halt. He said it was like one week was booked full and the next there was just nothing scheduled for months. We had to close the practice, which resulted in numerous ongoing legal and financial repercussions. We had to prepare to file bankruptcy. This meant we had to sell the cars. I had always told Luke was “We can lose the house, the business, anything. Just please don’t take away my car.” I lived in my car. Losing it was hard for me. My pregnancy with Ender was difficult. I was very sick most of the time and poor health was something I suffered with even after his delivery. After the summer I lost my parents and my family. They betrayed me in a way that I would be putting my family in danger if they came back into my life. I lost my reputation among my kids’ school administrators, the county law enforcement, my bishop, my extended family and my in-laws because of the betrayal of my family and the mental illness of my mother. I lost my brother. Despite all my efforts to keep him out, he has spent the last 8 months in either a mental institution or prison and is now homeless. And just recently I lost my best friend of 16 years as she decided that persecuting our beliefs as members of the LDS Church was more important to her than being our friend.
I felt like I lost just about everything and everyone outside of my own home and family, and for being blessed to keep those I am truly grateful. While the sting of my losses was great, I knew that God was answering my prayer and I trusted in him. There was a comfort in knowing that I was willingly submitting to His will and that these losses were necessary for my spiritual growth.
About a year after the initial prayer that set off this avalanche of trails, and as my wounds began to heal and the paralyzing pain of loss began to dull, I recommitted myself to daily scripture study, private prayer morning and night and made a new effort to deny myself of all unclean things and ungodliness. My prayers became more sincere. As I read the scriptures and attended the Temple I began to see and understand many things I had never before realized. I found great "hidden treasures" and the Spirit began teaching me, opening my eyes, my mind and my understanding. During my new found "quiet time" which came as a result of turning off the radio and TV, I began to receive personal revelation. I was guided to books and learned things about God and the Atonement that I had never understood before. I began to write what I was learning and as I did I learned more. The more I learned by the Spirit, the more I understood God's great love and mercy towards me and all his children. I began to love Him more and had a greater desire to obey and willingly serve him the best I could. I felt a closeness to the Spirit and a love from God that I have never before experienced. There was a new found peace in my life despite the storms around me. I started to recognize great blessings that were resulting from our previous losses. I began to be compelled to share His gospel with the people I know and love as instructed by the Spirit. I began to feel my spirit grow.
I know I’m still so far from what my Heavenly Father wants me to become and that I fall short of that goal every day. But I keep trying and keep asking for help, and with His help I am getting closer. Every morning I ask God to replace my stony heart with a broken one and a contrite spirit. I need his help every day, every hour. I can do nothing without him. I feel like with each trial and each loss, a chunk of access clay is being removed by the Master’s hand in order to reveal His work, His Masterpiece. And that is what I want to become.
